Assessment and Diagnosis
by youngheejin
Summary: This is Cristina's hurtful feelings after he left her on their wedding day.


Disclaimer: Some of the lines are lyrics from a lot of different songs. I don't own grey's anatomy. I just intend to borrow some of the characters for a while. This is just base on my imagination. I'm sorry it wasn't that good, I still have lots of things to learn.

**Assessment and Diagnosis**

He left me. I was left with nothing. Only memories are left for me to hold. I don't have any idea how I would pull myself together. I am empty. I only feel cold and lonely because I lost everything. Those are just descriptions of what you can't see through with Cristina.

The hurt Burke cause was too unbearable to endure, too incomprehensible to understand and damn too real. I could never really love someone else but Burke. He is like a dream that came in the night and then in the morning he was gone. I couldn't further rationalize why did this happen. I'm too exhausted of the pressure and tried to live up to one thing, him.

I know what I want, to become a great surgeon but I couldn't function at my best. I entered the surgery program because there would always be surgery and no involvements. No feelings involve is always good. You can perform at your best if you're very motivated. You'll do everything. People don't have to question you because everything is logical and scientifically evidenced. Emotions can't be explained. They are just expressed by your genes. You can just say some traits would be from your mother, some from your father, and some are originally yours. Emotions are chemically based on electrolytes imbalance whatever. Like when I am losing control of my emotions and trying to be self-contained when I am stressed, I take a deep breath because I am deprive of oxygen and blood so my heart pumps faster to supply more blood and oxygen with the help of my norepinephrine send off by my Central Nervous System when my baroreceptors send an impulse that I needed more blood and oxygen to compensate for the stress. That's logical or too deep? I am just making a point but people have different body responses, so that explanation might only work for me or usually with people that I share the same genes with. It depends on how their body will response to stress and other problems they encounter because people have different body responses which is evidently based on a lot of things (cultural background, environment, parents, siblings, school, etc) they've grown up to. That I can explain because it is logical but him leaving me is hard for me to analyze cause his not giving me the right reason or I could say I have a close mind because I can't accept the validity of his excuses for leaving me. Science is better because you could get your answers.

Emotions are never too well except that it's a high for those, just like me before. I can't comprehend emotions back then, I just know few explanations for that, I love him, I need him and having love is opening yourself to possibilities you'll never thought of opening up back in the past or until now. The disadvantage to that is, it is a trial and error that you have to risk everything you have. Just like Romeo and Juliet, Titanic, etc.

After Burke left Cristina, she became self-destructive. She's cold, intense, focused, distant, competitive and angry. I love Burke but he left me. I won't put my life back on hold. I'll show him, what happened to us, it was nothing. I will do my best to become a great surgeon. I'm through with him.

That's the reason I don't do commitments, they make you dependent and weak and when you lose them you're just like a puppy left by his master. Stupid, Freakin' love? Why do I have to lose control and fell for him? How did he manage to get inside me in my brain, in my heart?

It all started when I slowly got involved with my whipple case patient, Nurse Fallon, I never understood why he isn't doing anything about her, then it just end up her dying in front of me. She's is DNR. The worst is I have to get through it again, the part where I have to watch someone important to me to die and I cant do anything because I must not do anything. Suddenly, the strong pounding of my heart, fighting the urge to cry, not to let her go is so superficial to everyone. I lost control. He shouted at me "You can't lose it like that." But I didn't care. I'm about to go back and go get her but he stopped me forcefully with concern, comforting eyes and gentle whisper "Let her go, we have to let her go." Because of her I got weak in front of him and he has to comfort me. So I stop and looked at him, telling him with my eyes. I don't want to stop. I don't want to let her go. I couldn't take it. The hurt, that I must do something but I cant, I must not. He was holding me and it was good. I have to admit. Its comforting because I got weak and he was helping me get over it his gestures assuring me that everything will work out just fine. I wanted more but I couldn't. He is my attending. The moment was different, strange, I don't know but it was good and forbidden. From that day on, things between us had changed. I was over it or that's what I just want to believe but he isn't he brought me some coffee. Then there's his towel incident. I wanted to tell him or warn but I am not allowed to speak a word, until I couldn't handle it anymore. I wanted it. After his meeting that went fine. I saw him enter the on-call room. I was planning to thank him for the coffee after all he has gone through. It must be hell to have your career in danger and your intern's career in danger. I should've been nice to him at least. So I got in. When I opened the door, he looked irritated, worried that people might see him or us in one room. So I closed and locked it just in case a person might open the door and just jumped to conclusion if he saw me inside with him half-naked.

He might be thinking of the same thing or not because he kind of couldn't handle the situation, he looked at the bedside but I didn't care I just went through my speech "Thanks for the coffee. " Then suddenly he was considering. It kind of scares me a bit of when his looked changed into something unpredictable. He was fast, he came over me. He touched my face and pulled me to him. Put my lips to his for one kiss. I was in control but when he pulled me, I've let him I held him too. My body shivered when he touched me much over when we kiss. It all felt right, and good. We kissed again opened mouth. His lips, his kiss, and his hands touching me everywhere, all of it is perfect, as if things have fallen in its place. He pulled open my ties while kissing me in my neck. I'm not actually aware of him taking off pants, I just it loosened up, then his hand traveled at my bare skin taking off my shirt. The only thing, I hear are his hot kisses on my neck. It's like wine, Im drunk of his kisses. I am not aware of what's happening around us but only of what is he doing to me. I'm drunk of him. All of a sudden we we're completely naked. No words were spoken, only us, our touch, our kisses, the way we held each other that night, and our eyes are all involve, are all that matters.

Then we got involved very fast, I got pregnant and had a miscarriage, you broke up with me, and we both realized, it wasn't just mutual attraction and understanding, everything turned out serious but great in a fast blow. We've gone through a lot of things together, you got shot, your tremors, there's Marlow, and then wedding, everything was doing fine; we didn't got through the wedding because you have to let me go. You're not optimistic you're sure for our future that you can make me happy. You set me free. From what I said, I never really got the answer to my questions only the fact that I truly fell in love so I got weak and dependent of it, of your love. Something I never felt before. It's been so long since someone has held me to love and to protect. The only person I could remember that did that to me is my father then he died. He left me here alone. I was all alone. For it is my choice, when you get involved or get attached to someone, it's hard to part yourself from them. I don't want that. Cause its hard living a life with no one to hold you, to love you, to protect you, and to need you or in other words it's just hard missing someone. You made me believe that feelings are worth it. It's hard missing you, every inch of you.

You left me. I am free and it hurts. Everything about you changed to emptiness. The things I believe about you we're all gone. Everything came to shatter in one snap. I don't know how to wake up without you by my side. I don't know how I will go back to the hospital if I won't see you there. When I'm cold inside, you were warm and bright. You know you are so good for me. And I know that I am good for you. We're almost perfect, too good to be true. We're hot and cold. We're different that's why we fit so perfectly. You we're my other half. I am you cold and you make me warm. I guess it wasn't good enough. Our love for each other wasn't enough for us to get married because we have to be sure this is what we wanted.

You left me your vows. Then why runaway? So I could be myself again? Then you should help me because you change me into something we don't recognize. You stop listening to me. You push too hard. Part of it was my fault because I let you to make you happy. To me everything will be fine about us if your happy. Nothing else matters to me, cause in the end I get to have you as my husband. To you something else matters my happiness.

Since you're gone, I guess its only me again to take care of me, to love me, to protect me, and to need me then, right?

I come to made with peace with a fact that maybe you're right I should know what I want, not just to think that I want it. So till then.


End file.
